Nobody Gives You a Medal for Being Exhausted

For a long time, I thought being busy was a sign that I was doing something right.

There was always another deadline, another paper, another project, another email that could be answered immediately rather than tomorrow. And there is a strange culture around this, especially in jobs where work can theoretically be done anywhere. Ask someone how they are and quite often the answer is a list of things they have to do.

I’m so busy.

I’m completely overwhelmed.

I haven’t had a free weekend in weeks.

At some point, being exhausted stopped sounding like a problem and started sounding almost like an achievement.

I understand this because I used to think in exactly the same way. I genuinely believed that the more I did, the better I was doing. Work hard, say yes, meet every deadline, take on another thing. Surely all of this would eventually add up to something.

Except work doesn’t function like a loyalty programme. You don’t collect enough points and receive a guaranteed reward.

You can do everything right and still discover that effort and reward are not distributed according to some beautifully fair mathematical formula. Working twice as much does not necessarily make your career twice as good. Sometimes it simply means that you have worked twice as much.

This doesn’t mean I have stopped being ambitious. Quite the opposite. I like my work. I like research, writing, travelling for things I find interesting, starting projects and occasionally becoming completely absorbed in an idea.

I just no longer think exhaustion is evidence that I am taking any of it seriously.

There is also a peculiar tendency to confuse not being overworked with being lazy. As if having an afternoon with nothing scheduled means you should immediately find something useful to put into it. As if a two-hour flight is automatically two hours of potential productivity.

It isn’t.

Sometimes a flight is just a flight. Someone is looking over your shoulder, the tray table is ridiculous, and perhaps you would rather watch a film.

And sometimes I take my notebook to the beach.

That might look like the opposite of work-life balance, but I don’t think it is. If I have an idea and feel like writing it down, I do. The difference is that I no longer believe every empty space in my day has to be converted into work simply because it can be.

Perhaps that is what work-life balance means to me now. Not dividing every day perfectly between productive hours and leisure. Not waking up at five in the morning to meditate. Definitely not achieving enlightenment on a stand-up paddleboard.

Just knowing when enough is enough.

There will always be another email. Another deadline. Another thing that could be done today instead of tomorrow. There will always be people who are busier, publish more, earn more, achieve more, or at least appear to.

But nobody gives you a medal for being the most exhausted person in the room.

I didn’t choose life instead of work.

I simply stopped choosing work instead of life.